Tag Archives: parenting

Posted on by

Moms With Disabled Children Struggle To Climb The Career Ladder When Children Are Older An FYI For Employers And Society At Large

Moms With Disabled Children Struggle To Climb The Career Ladder When Children Are Older An FYI For Employers And Society At Large
Mari Nosal another fine article
Moms With Disabled Children Struggle To Climb The Career Ladder When Children Are Older An FYI For Employers And Society At Large

It is my privilege to be featuring an article by Mari Nosal this week. She has great insight into the lives of parents and educators of special needs children–>
I have just come back from my umpteenth interview. I have a dream of working in the non profit arena in a community based program helping to empower parents and children to live the most fulfilling life possible. As many of my readers know I have a young adult son with Aspergers and ADD and spent many years fighting for his proper diagnosis ,intervention, and support. Many people with older children on the spectrum recall that Aspergers was not a household word a decade ago. Many supports and better identification techniques abound in the present that were not available when my son was young.

My older son developed a seizure disorder at age 11 which stabilized at age 18 all though is still medication controlled at age 26. The neurologist calls the medication a “band aid effect”. Grand mals were infrequent but focal seizures were frequent during age 11 to 18. For those of you that are not acquainted with focals, children can speak to you but can not answer questions that require recall such as phone numbers, where their mom or dad works etc. On other occasions these children will freeze like statues and must be gently guided to their bed, etc.

I make my statement with a point. Assisting two children let alone one born 22 months apart into some semblance of normalcy takes a toll on family dynamics, husband wife relationship, sibling relationships, and the family dynamics as a whole. Parents in this situation work hard to keep some family normalcy. It is hard work. We are just like any parent, merely wanting the best for our children. Like any parent we will go to the ends of the earth sacrificing our own needs to insure our children’s, and families needs are met.

My research shows that Moms with disabled kids experience less career growth, and tend to earn less money than parents without children with challenges because their children’s demands require extra effort, i.e. therapy appointments, i.e.p.s, and most important intensive ca-retaking demands. In a nutshell Mom cannot be in two places at once and selflessly chooses her children’s welfare over a fat paycheck and a BMW in the driveway. I love my family and would not have had it any other way!!!!!

To contribute financially when my children were young, I worked double shifts on weekends, overnight shifts, evenings during the week, resultant in small amounts of sleep in the evening so I could tend to my kids while my husband was working during the day. I know many woman have done the same thing to make sure their children were properly cared for. Thus, validating my research that woman with special needs kids earn less money.

As a Massachusetts resident this is confirmation to Mitt Romney that I was not a slacker.

Now that I have elucidated on the distinct issues that parents with special needs kids face daily, I will elaborate on my initial statement regarding Moms with older kids attempting to enter the career ladder and fulfill their long forgotten goals. As my children grew and stabilized, I decided to go back to college. This culminated in a bachelors degree in Psychology with a minor in sociology in 2005 cum laude. I continued towards my goal of an advanced degree. I completed that in late August 2009 with a 3.78 average. My thesis on education reform and school age programs cancan be found in book form on Amazon.com.

Entering the non profit arena has proved to be difficult. I specifically wish to work with special needs families. I always make it to the second interview to be number two or number three choice. The rationale is always that I did not have enough experience with special needs population. My rebuttal to the world is bold but I must make it.

Parents who bring up children with special needs possess a unique level of experience that would be an asset to any company. We have a unique reflective empathetic capacity born from walking down the path of others in our shoes. We do not get a paycheck for this work but it is work nonetheless. It is a job with no time clock – 24 hours a day. It is a job that does not receive much recognition, merely the ultimate goal of insuring that our children grow into the most independent functioning adults that they can.

Parents walk with your head up high knowing that you are selflessly performing the most difficult job in the world, assuring your child’s well being, and happiness.

To employers here are some of the qualifications I would put on a resume for parents of special needs kids. Although not monetarily compensated it is experience non the less. Never underestimate the power of a special needs parents background.

Experience:

Advocate – nurse -chauffeur – therapist – organizer – special needs advocate – cook who specializes in the palate of special needs children – mind reader and more

Special qualities :

Empathetic – reflective – doesn’t waver emotionally during a crisis – stays positive when life throws curve balls – responsible, altruistic and more

I have gone out on a limb writing an article so personal but I hope I speak for all parents who are not recognized for their unpaid experiences. My goal si to have this article reach as many people as possible on behalf of special needs parents. Education is power.

Special needs parents,you possess many skills, and some are learned through life experience, not merely within a paid job. I speak on all your behalf so you walk with your head up high and remember your fulfillment comes from within you, be proud, and never give up.

Mari N. , M.Ed., CECE

Posted on by

Curriculum ideas for the inclusive classroom and parents too by Mari Nosal!!!

I am a huge fan of Mari Nosal and her writing. Here stories are very informative and inspirational and I really enjoy them.

 

 

Have you ever wondered how to encourage empathy, increase fine and gross motor skills, social awareness, independent thinking, teamwork, independent play, or anything in-between within a classroom or at home? I have compiled quite an array of activities throughout my years. The majority of my activities were used and intended for a multi-age classroom. The children I’ve taught range in age between five and twelve years and include those with emotional, physical, behavioral, gifted, neurotypical, and learning disabled circumstances. The activities are therefore acceptable for a mixed range of abilities and ages. I have pondered what I have learned through many years of trial and error. My goal is to share these activities with parents and educators to enhance the lives of other children who could benefit from my ideas.

1) Musical Paper Plates: This game is an adaptation of musical chairs. Musical paper plates is especially suitable for children who present gross motor skill issues. The chance of injury is diminished as children cannot fall on a chair when children are vying for the last coveted spot. Plates are strategically spread out in a circle. When the music stops, a plate is removed. For children who present with socialization issues and struggle with the concept of being “out”, leave all paper plates in the game. Thus, no one wins or loses. An adaptation I made for letter and number recognition is to write numbers or letters on the plates and keep everyone in the game. i.e. If a child lands on the letter A etc., I differentiate my question according to each child’s ability and ask questions such as, What is the name of your letter? What sound does your letter make? Can you name a word that begins with your letter? Can you spell the word ? My goal is to provide a game here that includes all children, no matter what their ability is, at their level, and without singling children out. I make the same adaptations with numbers. If the child steps on number five, I may ask them to stomp their feet five times, give them a math problem to solve, ask what number they are standing on, and more. The options within this game are limitless. The game then continues with no one left out of the game. This game has proved to be extremely popular with the children.

2) Enhance Thinking Skills: One child sits in the middle of a circle and mimes emotions. The child who guesses the emotion goes in the middle and the game continues. This game is an awesome springboard for discussing feelings and reinforcing social awareness. An adaptation is to pick moral oriented situations out of a bowl, and having children act them out.

3) Share a Book: This is a voluntary activity that proved popular with the children. Rather than reading for the children, ask for volunteers who would like to read during circle time. This enhances reading skills, positive self efficacy, and teamwork. I adapt this activity so all children can participate no matter what their abilities or age. If a child volunteers to read to the class, but is an early or none reader, they are allowed to choose another child to assist them. I wish to emphasize that no child should ever be forced to read if they do not wish to. Forcing a child with a developmental challenge, reading issues, speech problems, etc. to participate can backfire. The child will lose self esteem, become embarrassed in front of peers, and withdraw. I still recall being an advanced reader in elementary school. I also suffered from “watery S’s.” My second grade teacher would force me to display my reading skills in-front of the class. It was humiliating and still resides in my memory today. After the fact, I recall pretending I struggled in reading so the teacher would stop choosing me.  Some children will participate in the future if they are not forced and are allowed time to feel safe within the group.

4) Don’t Squish the Bug: This game can be played in a group, modified for two individuals, played one on one, or done just plain solo according to the child’s skills and social development. This game is great for increasing hand-eye coordination. The children fill balloons with jello and enjoy a game of catch, or adapted catch as mentioned above. It is suggested that this game be played outdoors. It is fun. However, when the balloon inevitably breaks – jello, jello everywhere. :-0)

I hope you enjoy my ideas. I would love feedback. If there is enough interest I will continue with weekly or bi – weekly curriculum ideas. Happy teaching and parenting.

Mari Nosal M.Ed.

 

Posted on by

A Meaningful Lesson From A Bar Of Soap In An After – School Program by talented Mari Nosal

A Meaningful Lesson From A Bar Of Soap In An After – School Program by talented Mari Nosal
Mari Nosal
Mari Nosal

Here is another fine article from Mari Nosal with regards to after school activities–>

http://marimouth.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/a-meaningful-lesson-from-a-bar-of-soap-in-an-after-school-program/

Today I planned to execute a creative learning lesson for my school age program. (Fun after school time) Lessons must be learned. Lessons must be executed in a fun way. My students spend all day in school sitting at a desk learning academics. My role is to present a constructive learning format. One stipulation is that a high fun factor is present. This task can be formidable to say the least. How can a lesson in science be hidden in play? How can theories of magnetism or math be taught in a form that gifts the children with new information, but does not threaten student burnout? This is a challenge I am worthy of accepting.

I presented a lesson on soap sculptures. The children believed they were experiencing a mere arts and craft project. The hidden content was learned. The craft was fun but structured. Harmless melted soap chips turned into a math lesson, science lesson, and exuded a large curiosity factor. With out curiosity the children would rebel my efforts to implement this lesson. Solid soap chips of varied colors were melted together into a soppy mix. Before hand, the weight of the soap slivers was examined. My young charges placed a small mountain of soap on a scale. The weight was recorded. The soap was prepared for liquefying in the microwave.

Before transforming the soap into a liquid form we examined the solid consistency. I placed the slivers in the microwave. When the soap was removed, we compared the liquid form to it’s solid past. We talked about temperature changes. We poured the soapy liquid into measuring cups. A lesson in weighing liquid versus solid masses was learned. What had weighed 5 ounces in solid form had been transformed into liquid measurement. The children were in awe of the fact that microwaves could alter the composition of the mass.

We than proceeded to pour the liquid soap into molds intended for use in our play dough projects. The amount of ounces needed for various molds was measured and noted. The soap was set aside and transformed into a solid mass. Upon observing our finished project, we weighed our creations. Children estimated beforehand what the weights would be upon the soaps return to a solid form. They were shocked that the creations weights were now varied. I explained that we had used various size molds to complete this project. This obviously affected the weight. A lesson was learned. The children left my classroom with a prize (their soap), and a new idea to ponder. Objects in our world can be manipulated and structurally changed. Much like the children’s young sponge like minds.

One child looked concerned and lost in thought. I asked what the problem might be. My five-year old charge asked if he could turn into something else like the soap did. I responded by stating that his body was not capable of melting like soap. He is made of skin and bones, which hold him together. (Simplified for the child’s purpose). I told him that the only change his body would ever make is to get larger, stronger, and smarter. An Aha moment has occurred. Perhaps one lesson will overlap into another based on these questions. Perhaps I shall have a lesson on the human body. Stay tuned for updates.

Mari N.

Posted on by

A Parent is Their Child’s First Teacher by Mari Nosal with permission of Enabled Kids Canada

A Parent is Their Child’s First Teacher by Mari Nosal with permission of Enabled Kids Canada
Mari Nosal
Article from Enabled Kids by Mari Nosal

Here is another nice article with regards to special needs education by Mari Nosal, a fellow parent of Autistic kids and she is also an educator as well. I can relate in many respects, I am asperger’s and have 3 kids on the spectrum.

Parenting our children is a full time, and occasionally scary job. When our children are born, we are the first people that they interact with. We provide stimulating environments, experiences, and safe challenges that encourage a child’s continuous development. Parents are cheerleaders, coaches, academic tutors, and provide a safe and nonjudgmental haven where children can feel free to make mistakes. Children realize that, in the safety of a home with supportive parents, they will not be judged and can therefore take on safe challenges. This is most important for children with learning disabilities as their home front and loving parental support provide a haven away from school, where they may struggle to fit in with peers daily. Education is defined as any experience which provides learning and growth to be achieved. Parents can view themselves as important co-teachers. They can provide schools with the difficulties or learning growth that is taking place on the home front. Parents can provide complementary support to the child’s teacher as well by continuing what a child learns at home. The message I am attempting to convey is that teachers, parents, educators, and more are all instrumental educators within their child’s life. Remember parents, you are an important component in your child’s development, so never underestimate your effectiveness. Most of all, keep dreaming, hoping, smiling, and lastly never ever give up. Always believe in yourself and your children.

Mari

As I sit and ponder what it means to be an educator, a powerful vision comes to mind: A flock of geese following one another in a perfect V formation. There is a correlation between the perfect educational system, and the teamwork geese employ as they soar through the blue skies.
One bird flaps its wings and creates an updraft for the bird behind it. The geese place themselves strategically. The strongest bird is in front. The weakest bird is in the back. One can surmise the reasoning for this. The strongest bird can lift the weakest bird with an updraft. As the stronger bird tires, the formation changes, the weaker bird now has a reserve of energy. Thus, the energized bird takes the place of the exhausted bird.
Like geese, people cannot fly solo. Education encompasses a large network of people. In order to educate the whole child, one must think of the process as more than academics. Social, emotional, familial, and environmental issues are part of the education process. Expecting a teacher to perform these duties alone is sure to breed chaos. Teachers need support when teaching becomes difficult.
Like the geese, the tired teacher needs someone to support them. The teacher needs time to go to the back of the flock and re-energize. Upon re-energizing, the educator can than successfully lead the flock once more. They are not co-dependent, but inter-dependent with parents and their peers. It is a vital instrument that ensures a positive classroom climate.
As geese form a perfect V formation, educators, administrators, and the community must work cohesively as a unit. The mutual goal should be the successful assimilation of the children into a society. If the children are not empowered with the skills to be productive members of society, successful assimilation has not occurred. If a bird tires, and another geese does not support their weak moment in flight, the formation is disrupted.
The weaker bird will tire and plummet. When assisting a child in developing to their fullest capacity, one does not get a second chance to repair the mistakes made. The inevitable result of no cohesive unit is a teacher who will plummet like the geese. The child will be left with negative self efficacy. Lack of support for the teacher breeds feelings of futility. Futility soon breeds apathy. There is a domino effect. The child becomes the recipient of the teacher’s apathetic demeanor. If the teacher loses their zest for teaching, the child loses their zest for learning.
My personal goal is continuously equip myself with the knowledge and skills to help communities become socially and academically well rounded. My utopian world is one where all individuals gain self empowerment skills, positive self efficacy, and learn skills for success. These are the building blocks for success. May everyone fly in the V formation. May No Child Be Left Behind.

This is a poem I wrote a while back. I believe it displays my ideology on what a teacher’s and parent’s role is.

Here is a wonderful poem by Mari Nosal as well quite nice–>

My Guide

Oh teachers listen closely

For this you need to know

My future rests right in your palm

I need you as I grow

My destiny is yours to shape

By words you choose to use

Encourage me, tell me I’m great

Your power do not abuse

Believe in me and I will shine

I will not let you down

Give up on me and let me fail

My choice will be to drown

Please teach me all you know my friend

Do not give up and leave

And I will thrive because I knew

In me you did believe

I have the talent to succeed

But sometimes feel lost

Please help me so I find my way

No matter what the cost

Don’t leave me on the tough days

I need to know you’ll stay

For you help me to grow and learn

And assure me i’m o.k.

Support me, guide me, and teach me

My fate is up to you

For with your words I’ll fail or win

It is up to you you’ll see

Please don’t leave nor write me off

I am worthy of your time

I promise I’ll not fail you

To give up would be a crime

My future is up to you you’ll see

In you I do believe

I will succeed and fulfill my dreams

If you walk with me

In order for me to succeed

I can not walk alone

Don’t give up on me and walk away

My emotions will turn to stone

Teachers listen closely

I need your help today

Help now and I promise

I will make you proud one day

MARI NOSAL

Previously Published on Enabled Kids Canada, See link–>link

Posted on by

Day Of Observation In Daycare Classrooms – From Infant To School-Age–>By Mari Nosal

Day Of Observation In Daycare Classrooms – From Infant To School-Age–>By Mari Nosal

Our friend Mari Nosal sent me an opportunity to publish one of her fine articles. This is one I can relate to I am also hyper functioning but asperger’s as are my 3 kids. All can say is it totally makes sense.

Light it up blue for Autism!!!

http://marimouth.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/a-message-to-parents-with-young-children-presenting-with-aspergers-syndrome-from-a-seasoned-parent-of-a-young-adult-with-aspergers/

A Message to Parents with Young Children with Asperger’s From A Seasoned Parent of A Young Adult With Asperger’s

As a seasoned parent of a son with Asperger’s, and please note I have a son with Asperger’s, not an Aspie son. I define him as a young man not Asperger’s. You will also note that I do not refer to Asperger’s as a disorder. I refer to it as a syndrome. A disorder alludes to something or someone that is broken and needs to be fixed. i.e. a computer virus that can be repaired. A syndrome is a challenge that one must adapt to and live with. Compensatory strategies may be taught to ensure a level of success. But Asperger’s can’t be fixed.

I have most definitely experienced a multitude of emotions in terms of of parenting my son to young adulthood, and still do.. If I named every emotion I have felt, they would most likely have a length span which would originate on earth and reach as high as the furthest star in space.

To name several, I have experienced apprehension which was resultant in my fear for my sons future. I felt pain from the inevitable ostracism he endured at the hands of peers, and adults. I have experienced sadness which originated from my sons struggles and not conforming to my perception of who he was intended to be, the person I visualized he would become, and the things I felt he should think and feel.

I have felt the uncertainty resulting from naysayer’s comments and predictions of who my son would become as a person both developmentally and behaviorally. Naysayers predicted how my son would develop and what his future achievements or lack thereof. One would think professionals and society at large had psychic abilities and peered into a crystal ball to make predictions.

To parents with newly diagnosed children, I am here to emphatically implore you never to give up hope. If you give up hope, your children will certainly give up as well. You will get frustrated, feel the uncontrollable urge to bang your head on a wall, cry, and yes at times even wonder why you were blessed with a child with Asperger’s. You may even, (horrors) wish that your child would go away.

You may find yourself feeling intense pangs of jealousy when you see your child’s schoolmates walk by in a clique laughing away as they enjoy their day of play together. You may even experience intense anger and jealousy towards other parents while you silently wonder why their child was not born with challenges.

These feelings are all normal. Parents are human beings. Wishing your child would go away while you are under duress does not mean you really want him to disappear. On the contrary – it means you have invested so much love and expended so much effort into doing what is best for your child, that you merely crossed the line from loving them to the point exhaustion.

If you are the parent of a younger child, please do not surround yourselves with, nor listen to the naysayers who predict a life of doom, gloom, and anguish for your child. After all, you know your child better than anyone. You live with them 24-7. Trust your instincts. A parent knows what is best for their child. You are your child’s best advocate. Your child will take two steps backward for everyone they take forward. Adjust your expectations. Do not be hard on yourself and note merely the steps backwards. I f you adjust your expectations and look hard enough for the small steps forward you will be surprised at the growth that was not seen.

Children with Asperger’s do develop and succeed within the right environment. The anxiety stems from basing our expectations on what the Jones’s kids down the street are doing, what our friends and neighbors think of our children and us as parents. If we let go of those expectations and gauge successes on our child’s developmental and cognitive level and not other children their age, we will be pleasantly surprised.

Note your child’s achievement’s in baby steps. Do not worry about what your child will achieve ten years down the line. i.e. will they have a girlfriend, kids, get married, have friends, or simply get a decent job that will enable them to live independently. Remember that the average child with Asperger’s has a developmental age that lags 4 years behind their chronological age.

As the parent of a young adult son with Asperger’s I am hear to tell you that they have many attributes to appreciate. On a humorous note I will start with my son’s knowledge of electronics and computers. This sense of awe I now have for his computer talents were a sense of frustration when he was young. I cannot count how many computers he corrupted and how many mother boards he damaged while dismantling our computers, rebuilding them, and programming them with incompatible hardware.

As a little boy with Asperger’s, my son imitated people with foreign accents in public places. His lack of discretion would cause me to become flush from embarrassment. His knack for impersonations has come in handy when telemarketers call. My son convinces them that he is from a foreign country and doesn’t understand English. The telemarketers inadvertently hang up. I will emphasize that he has learned the fine art of discretion and outgrow public renditions of impersonations.

That young man has grown up to be a computer whiz and can now install modems, set up our new computers, and install programs safely. His talents have saved us a princely some of money for cable personnel, phone personnel, and computer repairman that did not warrant calling due to his self taught expertise. My fondest memory was when the cable company wanted to come out and set up our new digital cable box. My so offered to do it for free. My digital system was set up in all of 12 minutes. My son was the ripe old age of twelve at the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thus, what was deemed a negative and aggravating personality trait as a child has proved to be an attribute as a young adult.

As a young child my son was prone to emotional meltdowns from sensory overload. As a teenager he would provide a verbal debate for any topic or request directed towards him. If I sent him to his room for being argumentative, his debate often continued in a solitary dialogue as a soliloquy. His strong personality allowed him to walk away from children who were doing drugs, etc. Yes, a sense of nonconformity can have its merits. His debate skills turned into a talent for writing.

A humorous example from his childhood would be when we attempted to use the magic 1, 2, 3, program to teach appropriate behavior skills. Our son would act inappropriately and we would put up 1, 2, 3, fingers. When he continued to voice his opinion we sent him to his bedroom. After several weeks of implementing the behavioral program we realized that he would act up ,hence get sent to his room right before we were due to leave for church. We realized he goaded us into implementing the 1, 2, 3, program so he would not have to go to church. We quickly modified that and informed him that he would be expected to go to his room AFTER church. My son walked away and yelled, “That magic one, two, three doctor is a quack” :-0)

I am proud to say that by injecting a little humor, perseverance, venting occasionally to anyone that would listen, and most importantly adjusting our expectations to my sons needs he recently received his bachelor’s degree in psychology from college with a struggle, but much perseverance on his and our part. He successfully lived in the dorm. Again he struggled, but we were 45 minutes away if he needed us but wanted to give him a taste of independence. Independence that did not include the normal socialization of college life by neurotypical standards. But being with peers and fending for himself nonetheless. As I mentioned earlier, process and accept it in baby steps.

My son has a driver’s license. He passed after three failed attempts, but along with us he persevered and never gave up. Make no mistake our family still struggles, worries, and gets frustrated just like other parents. But as time has passed we have learned not only the art of teaching our son to accommodate us but to realize we need to accommodate him as well. I equate our quest with accepting my son. If we expect him to learn societal mores of the neurotypicals than we must attempt to make adjustments for him as well.

When in a foreign country Americans tend to expect foreigners to speak English so we can comprehend them. Shouldn’t we make the same accommodations for individuals with Asperger’s as well? They speak a different language than neurotypicals hence they can learn the world of neurotypicals but we can learn about the Aspergian lifestyle as well.

Parents, I leave you with this. If you have not pulled so much hair out of your head from frustration at this point I salute you. Yes, it does get better:-0)

Rock on, give your selves a pat on the back for a job well done as parents, and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Mari Nosal, M.Ed., CECE

Posted on by

Ten Commandments for Interacting With Kids On The Autism Spectrum by Mari Nosal and related Commandments!!!

Ten Commandments for Interacting With Kids On The Autism Spectrum by Mari Nosal and related Commandments!!!

I ran into Mari Nosal recently on twitter she is the amazing writer of several articles on autism education from Enable Kids from disabled to Enabled,http://enabledkids.ca/?p=2071

A bit about the author–>

About the author
Mari Nosal has written 12 articles for Enabled Kids.
Mari Nosal, M.Ed., CECE is a school coordinator, blogger and author. She is certified by the Department of Early Childhood Education as a lead preschool teacher, an infant and toddler teacher, and site coordinator qualified to manage school age programs. She is certified in Community Crisis Intervention by the Community Crisis Intervention Team of Bristol County. As a parent of a son with Asperger’s, she and her son show others how it is possible to overcome obstacles and achieve your goals.

Ten Commandments for Interacting With Kids On The Autism Spectrum

1. Thou shall not yell when speaking to me.
My disability does not impair my hearing and I am extremely bright. Perhaps even brighter than you are.

2. Thou shall not ignore me, talk negatively about me, speak unnaturally slow, or ask questions to others in the room that pertain to me.
I can comprehend what you are saying just fine.

3. Thou shall believe in me and help me believe in my skills and self worth.
Note the good in me and do not merely point out my negative behaviors. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.

4. Thou shall not perceive me as dumb.
I am extremely intelligent. I do not learn in the same way as you, and maybe not as quickly as you expect me to. Have patience with me. Once I recall information, I never forget.

5. Thou shall not judge my behavior.
I can get overstimulated in certain environments. I may be hypersensitive to sound and loud noises may hurt my ears. Fluorescent lights are distracting for me. They have a humming noise, and can pulsate. All the noises in a room can blur together. Please make accommodations to help me.

6. Thou shall not be so quick to scold me.
Do not tell me that “I know what I did”. I do not. Tell me what my infraction was in a simple, concise manner. I want to please you, but I have difficulties inferring meaning within a vague statement. For instance, do not say please clean up your bedroom. Tell me exactly what you want, such as ‘Please make your bed and pick up your toys”.

7. Thou shall not compare me to others.
Please remind me, and note the talents that I possess. This increases my confidence and positive self worth. Learning disabled or not, we ALL have talents to contribute within society. I need you to help me realize what mine is. Believe in me and I will believe in myself.

8. Thou shall not exclude me from activities.
Please do not mimic me, ignore me, or bully me. Please invite me to play with you. It hurts my feelings when I am excluded. I like to run and jump in the playground, and be invited to birthday parties too. Grownups can help me make friends by encouraging other children to play with me. I can be a loyal friend if you get to know me.

9. Thou shall give me choices.
I do not like being ordered about any more than the other children. Give me choices so I know you value my capabilities and opinions. Make them simple and concise. Present two options or so. I get confused when too many questions or directions are given at one time due to my processing speed. For instance, ask me if I would like to wear my blue sweater or green one, rather than asking which sweater I would like to wear.

10. Thou shall not judge me by my diagnosis, but by my character.
I am an individual, just like other children. As my son used to say, “Mom my name is John (name changed for his anonymity) not Asperger’s”. A profound statement I would say. :-0)

Part Two: Ten Commandments of Parents with Kids on the Autism Spectrum

1) Thou shall not avoid my family when you see us in a public place. Autism is not a communicable disease. It is merely a way of life. You will not catch it by being my friend. Hang out with me and my family and learn about us. Once you understand our challenges it will be self-evident that we have hopes, dreams, and feelings. We love our children just as much as you love yours. Who knows, you might grow to accept us if you give us a chance.

2) Thou shall not judge my family. If my child is having a meltdown and seems inconsolable, do not assume I am an incompetent parent. You cannot always judge a book by its cover. Do not tell me that my child is spoiled. Ask me why I cannot control him, or tell me that my child needs to be punished. He is already punished enough by remarks from people who assume they know what is best for my family, even when they do not even know us. I am attempting to be a good parent. Your negative remarks hurt me greatly. Your positive remarks give me the internal strength to go on, and rejuvenate my belief in me and my child.

3) Thou shall be patient. My child may have a large expressive vocabulary. This is rote knowledge that has been memorized. In this case, he may not process (receptive language) what others say unless it is presented in a literal, concise, and direct manner. My child may lack a large vocabulary (expressive vocabulary) but make no mistake that he can comprehend you through his receptive vocabulary. Get to know my child and convey messages through his learning style. You will be surprised at what a wonderful child he is if you get to know him.

4) Thou shall not snub my other children. It is difficult for neurotypical siblings to grow up with a sibling that has special needs. My heart breaks for my children when other children decline sleepovers, parties, and more because of my special needs child. Providing equal attention to all my children is quite the balancing act.. Their learning disabled sibling occasionally requires more time and energy then them. This is not by choice but necessity. Please make a point to help out and make my other children feel welcome at your home or functions.

5) Thou shall not judge my housekeeping skills. My house may occasionally be in disarray. That mess is a sign of love; a sign of a family that has placed priorities on going to therapy appointments, doctors, social groups, and more over the importance of several dust balls. We balance jobs, carpools, and daycare, just like the rest of society as well.

6) Thou shall believe in my child. Do not call my child stupid, lazy, spoiled, selectively deaf, a brat, and more. My child has a neurological impairment which can affect processing skills, focusing, expressive or receptive speech, and internal control mechanisms, i.e. “losing it”. There is an old phrase, “We become what we hear.” The self-fulfillment prophecy is alive and well. My child tries hard to learn, control his behavior, socialize, etc. Please attempt to tell him what is right with him, not only what is wrong. Role model appropriate behavior for the child. Children become what children see.

7) Thou shall accept me and my family for who we are. My child may not appear to have challenges on the exterior. Appearances can be deceiving. I can equate this with a cast. If an individual is wearing a cast, we know they have a broken arm. Children with autism often appear the same as all other children When you deal with my child, please remember that his emotional age is roughly four years behind his chronological age. Keep that in mind when creating expectations for him. My child cannot be fixed.. He can be smothered with acceptance. His Asperger’s has created the young man that we have grown to love and admire. We would not change him for anything. He and I both needs society’s acceptance.

8) Thou shall not assume my child is being defiant. My child’s difficulties with receptive language can mimic defiance. When directions are not broken down into literal simple steps, he may appear to be ignoring you. He is not being defiant. He did not understand your directions. Tell him to pick up the books in the classroom, put them on the bookshelf, than sit down. This will most often result in compliance. Do not just say “put the books away”. He most likely will not know which books, where, when, or how. Be patient, as he really wants to please you.

9) Thou shall tell parents of autistic kids what they do well:.We struggle with our child’s special needs, attempt to carve out time with our other children so they do not feel left out, carve out time for our spouse, attempt to create a copacetic environment for our families, love and accept unconditionally, and more. We parents are occasionally insecure regarding our parenting skills. We are not immune to the glaring disapproving eyes, and mumbles of disapproval regarding our parenting style of our special needs kids. We need support and understanding from you as we feel helpless when we cannot help our child during a meltdown, etc. Please tell us what we do right occasionally and offer to lend a hand. It means the world to a parent of a special needs child to receive a compliment regarding them or their child when the parent feels like giving up hope.

10) Last but not least, thou shall remember that we are all on this earth to make a contribution to society. Children on the spectrum make contributions as well. You just have to look a little deeper. For me, my son has taught me to be more patient, humbled me, taught me to look at what is good now and not worry about what may not happen ten years down the road. I do not take things for granted because of my experiences. My husband and I learned the meaning of teamwork. Most of all, my son has taught me to never underestimate what strides he will make in our world. It may be on his timeframe and not mine. We are climbing to the peak of the mountain, with occasional slips, but climbing higher every day none the less.

Part Three: Ten Commandments For Educators Who Teach Kids on the Autism Spectrum

1) Thou shall not perceive me as a diagnosis. It is not true that once you have worked with an autistic child, you have worked with them all. There are many different degrees of autism–hence the meaning of the term, “Autism Spectrum.” We have distinct personalities and talents, just like you. We may present ourselves as nonverbal, verbal, have advanced expressive vocabularies, receptive vocabularies, be aggressive, shy, funny, or ambulatory. We may have mobility issues, be extremely social or shy, or have gifted IQs, or low IQs. Spend time getting to know me. You may learn to appreciate my talents, and the contributions that I can make within the classroom and to my classmates.

2) Thou shall not assume that I am defiant. :-0) My ears are extremely sensitive. If I am sitting at my desk and you give me directives from the other side of the classroom, I may not hear you correctly. I have difficulty desensitizing myself from sounds. I may be struggling with attempting to block out the whirring of a pencil sharpener, ticking clock, rain beating on the window pane, and the humming of the fluorescent lights. They often hurt my ears and create one jumbled sound. The sound may be so intrusive to my sensitive ears that they hurt. If you want to give me directions, please walk over to me and look me in the eye to get my attention. Be specific and concise when conveying what you wish for me to accomplish. I am a concrete thinker. For instance, ask me to get my coat from the coatroom, than go back to my desk and sit down, and wait to be excused for recess. Do not merely say, get ready for recess. This is too obscure. I want to please you, I really do, but you need to help me out with this.

3) Thou shall help me learn to socialize with my peers. I may appear to be avoiding my classmates. This does not mean I do not want to socialize. Children on the spectrum want friends and need to be included just like anyone else. My issue is that I often do not know how. Perhaps you could encourage the other children to include me in their games. You could role model proper techniques for social interaction, how to read body language, and empathize. For instance, if my classmate has a bellyache, you could point out that his tummy hurts and that maybe I should tell him I hope he feels better soon.

4) Thou shall catch me being good. Please make an attempt to point out my positive behavior, actions, and character traits. If I only hear about what is wrong with me, I will feel as though I am unworthy and withdraw. If I merely get attention from you when I am in the midst of a meltdown, or presenting inappropriate behavior, I may become conditioned to misbehave so I can gain your attention. This is the self fulfilling prophecy at work. Give me positive attention through praise, and you will build my positive self-efficacy. Help me believe in myself. If all I receive is negative attention, I will still crave it. Remember: in this case, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

5) Thou shall not attempt to embarrass me. Please do not compare me to siblings who were in your class. Do not compare me to classmates, embarrass me, or mimic me if I am frustrated. That hurts my feelings, and leaves me feeling more frustrated. I work twice as hard as my neurotypical peers to perform academically and socially. Embarrassing me will not force me to “straighten out’. That will merely force me to withdraw further within the academic environment, because I feel as though I cannot measure up to your expectations of me. Please try to remember that my emotional age is behind my chronological age. Please treat the behavior, not the child. I depend on you for external control.

6) Thou shall practice reflective observation and remediation. If I become distracted, hyperactive, speak out of turn, or agitated, please attempt to find out why I am doing so. It is easier to prevent a behavioral issue than to try and remediate it afterwards. If you notice the early warning signs, you may be able to make adaptations to prevent escalation. Once my behavior has gotten out of hand it will be difficult to assist me with getting back on task. Simple techniques may work. If I am having difficulty focusing, seem agitated, or become socially inappropriate, the bright fluorescent lights may be hurting my eyes. Please remember that my five senses are hypersensitive and I can become over-stimulated by everyday sights, smells, and sounds. Perhaps, dimming the lights in the room may calm me down. If I appear hyperactive, perhaps you could find a job for me to do in the classroom. The job could be as simple as making me a helper and asking me to hand out paper, or art supplies to the other children, pass out homework etc. so I can stretch my legs without being singled out in front of my classmates. If I am distracted by the other children while expected to take a test, perhaps you will allow me to wear earplugs to squelch my hypersensitivity to noise. I know I can be a lot of work at times, especially in a inclusive classroom. It is worth your effort, I assure you. It is a win-win situation for me and my classmates. They will learn to accept and respect differences in people through their interactions with me. They will carry this empathy into adulthood and the workplace. In turn, I will learn appropriate social skills through observation of my neurotypical classmates. With your assistance, the other children will learn to note and appreciate my talents and contributions within the classroom. I will learn how to be a member of a group who appreciates me. This in turn will boost my positive self-efficacy.

7) Thou shall not attempt to fix me. I cannot be fixed. I am not the equivalent of a broken engine in your automobile that merely needs some adjustments here and there to run like new. Besides, my mom and dad say they like me just the way I am. Respect me for the gifts and talents that I bring into your classroom (and I have many!). You can help me by teaching me compensatory strategies. For instance, teach me to go to a quiet area in the class to read, or to play quietly when I am over-stimulated. At first, I may need many verbal or physical prompts from you to recognize the signs of over-stimulation. As time goes by, I will internalize this mode of redirection through repetition and go to my quiet places independently. Remember to praise me verbally, or with a reward when I do so. I need to know that you noticed–it makes me feel proud of myself. For example, I may love to write but have issues with my pincer grip. Holding a pencil makes my hand hurt. Perhaps you could put a gripper on my pencil to increase my grasp and initiative to write so I do not go on strike during lessons.

8. Thou shall not say negative things about me. Please do not speak poorly of me to other teachers, parents, or students. My feelings get hurt when I observe you telling other individuals that I am a handful, that I take away time from the other students, shouldn’t be in your class, or push your buttons. Please do not refer to me as a bad seed, “that” one, a hateful child, unlikable, lazy, or defiant. This is unprofessional and inappropriate, especially when you talk while I am in the room. If you speak negatively of me and I misbehave, I am following your negative expectations of me, and living up to them. I may learn differently, but I can hear and comprehend your unkind conversations. I am not a diagnosis; I am a child like all the other children in my class. Please remember, I am dependent on you to help me hone my skills and succeed in life. I need your support.

9) Thou shall differentiate instruction. Differentiated instruction does not mean giving me different assignments or dumbed down assignments. Differentiated instruction is done by making accommodations so I can be included in the same projects and assignments as my classmates. If we are using shaving cream paint during art class, I may not want to put my hands in it due to sensitivity to textures. Perhaps you could offer me a tongue depressor to put the shaving cream on. This way, I can do the same art project as my peers while taking my sensitivity to textures into account. If we are doing a group history project on the colonial era, you may take advantage of my visual perception. I may not read well, but may be capable of building a scale model of a fort. Thus other children could research and present a report and I could provide the props. Perhaps you could allow me to take a spelling test which contains the same words as the other children orally if I have difficulty with handwriting. If we are presenting a play, the loud music and crowd may bother me. Perhaps I could change props, or be in charge of opening and closing the curtains during the performance instead.

10) Thou shall perceive as a human being. Please remember that every child has both positive and negative traits. Attempt to teach me what mine is are. Your investment in me will pay off in the future. Who knows, with a little help from my teacher, I could grow up to be the next leader of our country. I believe in you, will you believe in me?

I especially love her quote–>”Please join me in my utopian world where society perceives individuals as a whole, and does not judge them merely in character segments.”

I would like to thank Mari for allowing us to publish her information here on our news and autism site.

If everyone would just live by them.